Emotional regulation or “regulation” means to be in a state of being able to manage and cope with your emotions. Developed by Dr. Dan Siegel, this zone exists when we are optimally aroused- that means stressors and challenges exist in our lives but we have the skills to overcome them or believe we have the skills to overcome them! You feel like you can deal with whatever is thrown at you and you are still functioning effectively.

This window of tolerance is unique to each person- how wide or narrow is determined by past experiences, intensity and frequency of stressors, and learning effective and adaptive coping methods. For most people, being in this zone is indicated through calm and focused perception of information and sound decision making. They may experience tension and stress but it is not overwhelming enough to create a shutdown (hypoarousal) or escape from the stressor (hyperarousal). This window of tolerance is dynamic and its boundaries are flexible and malleable, which means that certain situations reminiscent of past negative experiences may shorten the window and others may expand it.

So how do we learn if we are in the window of tolerance and practice staying in it longer?

Listen to your body. I’m a big fan of identifying body cues because our bodies try to communicate with us before the mind catches up. Do you feel tense and feel your heart beating really fast? Perhaps you find yourself sweating even if it isn’t very warm. Or you find your breaths are shallow. At times, you may notice behaviour manifestations like sleeping when stressed out or avoiding certain places/people.

Another cue is checking in with your emotions. What emotions are you feeling? Are you feeling irritation, annoyance, frustration, and anger in that order or does it look like nervousness and overwhelm? Perhaps it looks like numbness or apathy.
If labelling emotions is trickier, behavioural cues are a good place to start! Do you typically enjoy hanging out with friends but have found yourself cancelling for over a month? Or maybe you are eating/sleeping more/less than usual. Leaving the window of tolerance can also look like being short with people around you, not wanting to engage in hobbies anymore, or finding it difficult to go to work/school/scheduled commitments.

Now that we have discussed identifying it, let’s talk about staying within the tolerance zone.

Learning what keeps you in your window is key. For some it can be daily connection and time with family or friends so you feel supported through challenging times. Daily habits like exercising, sleeping enough, and eating healthy meals help you effectively deal when stressors arise. Learning specific skills to ground yourself like meditation, art and breathing techniques also aid in calming your nervous system, coping with intense emotions and seeking help.

Befriending is regulating. Learning to befriend your emotions is an integral step in emotional regulation. For example, identifying and feeling shame can be a very intense and painful experience. As a result, you may constantly avoid situations that have the potential to make you feel shame. Or you may judge yourself when feeling it (ex: “I should not be feeling this way, but I am.”). Taking a moment to extend curiosity towards negative feelings and thinking about what the feeling is trying to convey can be regulating.

Learning from the people around you. Observing how others like to cope when life gets hard is always interesting. Healthy coping skills we see in others could help us build our own toolbox. Healthy ways of regulating can look like seeking more support from friends and asking for what you need (“I just want to rant, I don’t want solutions today”) and turnings towards the issue rather than avoiding/escaping from it (“I really want to talk about this but I am too tired and it is making me easily frustrated. Can we talk tomorrow after I’ve gotten some rest and time to think through things?”).

Learning to identify the window of tolerance, staying in it and widening it can be hard work. Extending self-compassion and self-acceptance that you are doing what it takes to build resilience is key! If you are looking for ways to build and strengthen your tolerance for discomfort or distress, there are multiple ways to do so and I encourage you to use what works for you and also try new things!

For more strategies to help with emotional regulation, you can check out our other blog articles or reach out to our strengths-based therapists who can help you.