What To Do When Your Partner Becomes Distant
If you have been in a long-term relationship or just started seeing someone, there may be times when it feels like your partner becomes distant. This can look different for everyone. For some, it may mean they text you less frequently than they did or it can look like they don’t want to go on as many dates as before. Or, it can look like them being on their phone while you try to talk about your day.
No matter what it looks like, I imagine it feels upsetting and like you are being rejected. You may start to think they are not interested or attracted to you anymore, or you may suspect infidelity. You may start to perceive a shift in the power in your relationship which wears on you and you may think your partner is purposely holding you at arm’s length. It can become increasingly frustrating until it all feels too much and you explode from sitting with all the thoughts and feelings.
What if I told you that your partner pulling away is not necessarily a bad thing that reflects upon you or your relationship?
Whatever the reason, it can be easy to jump to conclusions but I invite you to consider other factors that may be leading to them pulling away.
Maybe they are stressed about work and feel preoccupied with thoughts of work, but don’t want to burden you with “work stuff”. Or perhaps they are worried about finances and going on dates is attached to spending money but it is an embarrassing topic to discuss and doomscrolling (as unhealthy as it may be) helps them regulate. Or if the relationship is fairly new, they may feel you are moving too fast/slow. Whatever the reason, it is important to communicate openly to understand what’s going on.
It can be difficult to have this conversation from a place of vulnerability and when you feel a perceived lack of control over the situation, it can be easy to resort to using criticism and contempt. In these types of situations, it can help to shift our perspective from “me versus you” to “us versus the problem”, the problem being one or both partners feeling distant. ‘Criticism’ and ‘Contempt’ are two of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Research has shown that continued use of the Horsemen while communicating in relationships leads to separation and is predictive of divorce. You can read more about the Horsemen here.
Criticism is defined as attacking one’s personality or character. An example of using criticism in this case could sound like “You are so emotionally unavailable!” or “You do this on purpose to take your anger/displeasure out on me!”. Complaints and criticisms differ in how they make the person in front of you feel. While a complaint can be stated more gently using an “I” statement (“I feel hurt and rejected when you don’t talk to me”), criticism makes the victim feel attacked, assaulted, and hurt, and makes them defensive. When criticism increases in frequency and intensity, it becomes contempt.
Contempt can range from rolling your eyes when your partner speaks and mocking them, to responding with sarcasm. Contempt plays out when you assume a moral superiority over your partner, especially when you start feeling a lack of control and try to regain some of it by belittling them. Contempt can sound like, “Oh you’re stressed and busy with work? Well, we all are! But some of us actually make time for our partners!” or “You must feel sooo happy that I’m coming to you begging to spend time with me!”. Contempt is mean, disrespectful, and mocking, and inherently assumes that your partner is a bad person. Most importantly, contempt makes it near impossible for joining and resolution to be reached.
As an alternative to criticism, use more “i” statements, or as the Gottmans call it- “Gentle Start-ups”. In this scenario, a modified statement that can make your partner less defensive could be “I feel really left out and rejected when you use your phone instead of talking to me after work. I feel like I’m not interesting enough”. Similarly, an antidote to contempt can be viewing your partner through a positive lens and reminding yourself of their positive qualities. Building a culture of appreciation comes from viewing and believing your partner as inherently good, and finding gratitude in their positive actions.
In conclusion, when you notice your partner becoming distant, it's crucial not to jump to negative assumptions about their intentions or the state of your relationship. Instead, consider various external factors that might be affecting their behavior and approach the situation with empathy and open communication. By avoiding criticism and contempt, and instead using gentle start-ups and expressing your feelings constructively, you can address the issue collaboratively. Shifting the focus from personal blame to understanding and mutual support can help strengthen your relationship and resolve conflicts more effectively.