How Couples Therapy Can Still Help When You’ve Decided to Separate
I am waiting for my last clients of the week. I’ve been working with this couple for around three months, and their progress has been a journey of ups and downs. Today, as I go out to greet them, the usual chatter in the waiting room is notably absent. George* informs me that they have discussed divorce, and he now wants one. He does not think their differences are reconcilable. Mary* his wife begins to cry, she was hoping that couples therapy would save their marriage and strongly believed it would work. Both share in their sorrow after two decades of marriage and children.
They both tell me that their decision to come to therapy despite the decision to separate is a mutual one: both feel strongly about talking through separation in a safe space they have created in our weekly sessions. They’re uncertain about how to proceed but feel it’s important to express their feelings and thoughts. I affirm them, coming to couples therapy after a decision to break up or get a divorce is no easy step. It can be confusing to figure out whether couples therapy can be useful in such a situation.
I work with couples at various stages of separation. While George and Mary spent three months in session working hard to change their relational patterns, others arrived having already decided to part ways. Some are undecided, using therapy to help make that crucial decision. Often, I encounter “mixed agenda” couples where I have to balance the desire of one partner who comes to therapy with the sole purpose of finding an exit strategy and the other who desperately wants to make it work. These couples are amongst the most challenging to work with because therapists are taught to be neutral but unlearning that and validating both perspectives seems to be a more effective strategy for me.
No matter whether couples are still in deliberation or have come to an agreement, it can be useful to explore why separation is the choice to make. And if it’s the right choice to make, how can you make it while honoring each other and the relationship you shared?
Here are a few ways to use the therapy space in this context:
Use the space to identify relational patterns and take accountability for what drove you apart from each other in the relationship.
George realizes that he has been a pursuer in the relationship from the start because of his anxieties around Mary’s love becoming conditional and what started as individual differences in sex drive has turned into long-harbored resentment contributing to feeling unloved and unappreciated. Mary, who grew up with a religious background that discouraged the expression of her sexuality has felt anger and has feared disappointing George. Over time, his advances have gotten increasingly persistent and she has emotionally and physically withdrawn as a result of having to face her unresolved religious trauma. When there is a greater understanding of these patterns it can lead to a clearer narrative of what ways it impacted their journey. However, it does not take away from the grief that this realization has come a little too late for them.
Allow for grieving and forgiveness.
The very idea of separation can bring about a feeling of loss, not only with your spouse/partner but also with how things will change with kids and families. Parting ways can look so different for everyone and couples tend to feel disenfranchised grief because mourning looks so different on personal and societal levels and is hardly acknowledged. For example, it may be hard to explain the love and affection you feel for your spouse even amid a stressful divorce and why you still want to see them weekly/during family events after getting a divorce. Allowing space to forgive each other comes from understanding what led to this point and how you would like to stop keeping score moving forward. It can mean discussing what it will feel like to reframe the narrative albeit individually.
Share what you have gained from your relationship with each other.
While it is imperative to talk about the hard things and take accountability, use therapy to share the good parts and celebrate them. George and Mary identified traits they love and will continue to love and appreciate in each other and what contributed to the growth and positive aspects of their relationship. At this point, it may be helpful to reflect on the long-lasting relationships they have made with others (friends, families) through their partner.
Talk about future changes and hopes.
When both George and Mary can talk about how they want to convert accountability and new insight into action for themselves and others they may date in the future, couples therapy has been effective. They can identify relational patterns and tendencies and have confidence in building a life apart.
Separation and the end of relationships can be scary and painful. Using couples therapy to navigate this transition thoughtfully can help create a more amicable separation and lay the groundwork for healthier future relationships.
If you are struggling similarly with your partner, reach out to couples therapists at Safe Space Counseling to process in a safe space with a professional.