How ACT Can Help When Problem-Solving Fails.

Our mind has been so well-trained to solve problems that it constantly identifies problems and seeks solutions to eliminate them, attempting to get rid of all sources of discomfort. When the identified problem is external, this works very fine-when you don’t like the content of a movie, you turn it off, problem eliminated. But when the identified problem is internal, it becomes a different story. You probably have tried to get rid of uncomfortable feelings and thoughts only to realize the stronger you fight them, the stronger they persist-when you feel sad and you force yourself not to cry, you are likely to cry even harder and for longer at later time, or it might turn into depression or rage. With the most positive intention, however, the problem-solving mind ends up creating even more problems that last longer, so what can you do when problem-solving doesn’t seem to work? Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can offer some valuable insights.

Observe and Guide Your Mind with Compassion

If fighting, suppressing, judging, avoiding, or criticizing your inner experiences has proven ineffective in reducing your discomfort, it might a good idea to try the opposite: compassionate acceptance. It is not about passively tolerating the discomfort and do nothing about it; rather it is about understanding and acknowledging the positive intention of the mind despite the discomfort that might arise.

For example, memories of past mistakes might pop into your awareness out of nowhere and you notice the emergence of self-criticism and feelings of frustration and embarrassment. What could be the intention of the mind? It could be that the mind hopes to remind you that similar scenarios might occur in the future, or it could be that the mind is experiencing fear of future judgments and criticism and is seeking your help. Now that you have further understood the possible intention of the mind, instead of trying to run away from that experience, you can choose to thank it for its help, or help calm the fear by being with your mind through the discomfort. In a sense, you are forming an alliance with your mind through compassion and acceptance.

Extracting Your Values from Your Pain

Pain and discomfort are the strongest where you care about and value the most. You might feel sad and grief when you lose a close friend, but that feeling might not show up when a total stranger dies; you might feel angry when someone steals your wallet, but that feeling might not show up when someone steals your fully loaded trash bag. If you look closely into the sources of pain and suffering in your life, you might realize they are tightly connected to what is valuable to you: your values are on the flip side of your pain.

If self-criticism hurts, you might value self-improvement; if social anxiety hurts, you might value self-expression; if grief hurts, you might value connection; if guilt hurts, you might value integrity. While there is no shortcut to a meaningful and fulfilling life, a straight and direct path is to align what you do with what you value. A good place to start is to explore the sources of your pain and extract your core values.

Live Life Additively Rather Than Subtractively

Let’s say you are making a soup for dinner, and for some reason, there is too much salt in it, and you don’t like how it tastes. What would you do now? Your intuition might say, “let’s get the salt out.” Well, try as you may, in as many ways as you can, it probably won’t produce much result other than frustration, exhaustion, and “what if”s. But hold on, what is the purpose of trying to get the salt out? It is to make it less salty! As long as we reduce the proportion of salt relative to other things in the soup, it will work! You can add some more water, put more veggies and meat in it, and add some other spices or seasonings! It can still taste good, or even better, without struggling to take the salt out.

The same goes for life. The sources of the “saltiness” might not be within your control, and trying to remove the “salt” might not work out well, especially when it comes to feelings, thoughts, or things that have already happened. But hey, you don’t need to struggle to eliminate the “salt” to create a flavorful and tasty life. You can simply add more ingredients that you desire and enjoy. When you notice feelings of worry arise, you can engage in some effective prevention strategies and still connect with your friends and family; when you notice thoughts of self-doubt, you can still encourage yourself for your effort and validate every little success and progress. Life is the soup, and you are the cook.

What is it like Working with ACT Therapists/Coaches?

One of the most important things about ACT is that it is not aimed at fixing the individual for its faults or errors like machine operation because it recognizes every individual and behavior as normal in their own context and situation. The aim, therefore, is to promote thriving and purposeful living by enhancing psychological flexibility: the ability to be open, aware, and engaged in various contexts and situations in life.

Humanistic in nature, ACT Therapists/Coaches does not tell you what to do, or judge you for what you think, feel and do; instead, they help you more clearly choose and depict the person you want to be, the life you want to live, and help you make committed moves towards your chosen direction effectively and flexibly.

Mindfulness is another important piece in ACT as you will develop skills through experiential exercises to contact the present moment non-judgementally and observe what is going on inside and outside of you–thoughts, feelings, sensations,etc–to create more space for peace and freedom. Also, rather than focusing on changing the content of your thoughts and inner experiences, ACT Therapists/Coaches focus more on changing the function and meaning of them and how you relate to your mind.

Feel free to contact me for a brief 15-minute consultation.