The term “eldest daughter syndrome” has been circulating on social media for the last few years starting in 2022, but this term is decades old, coined by Austrian psychotherapist Alfred Adler, who studied birth order.

Eldest daughter syndrome represents the unique lived experience of first-born daughters. You can spot an eldest daughter in the wild if she’s the one who calls her parents’/siblings’ doctors to schedule appointments, takes them there, and has an organized list of medications to be taken. Or maybe she has everyone’s passport and boarding pass neatly arranged and easy to access during the family vacation. In therapy, the eldest daughter may be the client who feels guilty “complaining” to the therapist about their feelings or the one who asks how the therapist is holding up and managing stress/illness/work. An eldest daughter may perceive when their therapist is having a bad day and try to make the session easier for the therapist by “not getting too deep”!

Clinical psychologist Dr. Michael Sheehan says

“She’s the one in charge when nobody else is in charge. She’s the one that takes over, she is the boss and doing it well because she’s used to taking over. She just does her job and gets it done!”

While eldest daughter syndrome (EDS) is not a formal diagnosis and lacks robust research, many agree that it correctly describes the pressure and responsibility eldest children often feel because of high expectations set for them to be the “good example” to younger siblings. Eldest daughters are taught to be high achievers who not only have to set a good example for siblings, but also be on their best behavior as a mirror of good parenting. In immigrant families, eldest daughters may face the added burden of translating conversations to non-English speaking parents, excelling in school, and financially supporting the family.

Signs of the Eldest Daughter Syndrome

Here are some ways this shows up for eldest daughters:

feeling overly responsible for people and their emotions (especially their negative emotions!)
you put a lot of pressure on yourself to succeed and achieve goals to make people proud/fulfill unfulfilled dreams
Worry a lot and probably feel anxious
struggling with people pleasing behaviors and relying on external validation
difficulty placing and maintaining boundaries
resent siblings/family for putting you in the unwanted position of a caretaker
struggling with feelings of guilt for feeling that way!
difficult time in adult relationships feeling anxious, not taken care of sufficiently

Parentification of the Eldest Daughter

Parentification refers to children who take on parent-like roles due to being seen as an extension of their parents. These children may start to help with siblings’ meals and daily routines, and also take care of emotional needs of parents and their siblings, effectively functioning as a third adult in the household.

This can also happen because first-time parents are more cautious and strict with first children and loosen up with experience by the time their second or third child is born.

As a result, eldest daughters may have a hard time exploring what they want for their lives or taking care of themselves. You may often say ‘yes’ to things even if you are burnt out or have a hard time upholding the boundaries you put in place.

Eldest Daughters are Special!

While the challenges of EDS are significant, it’s also important to acknowledge the strengths that many eldest daughters possess. They often exhibit strong leadership skills, resilience, and a sense of responsibility that can serve them well in various aspects of life. Recognizing these positive attributes can help eldest daughters embrace their identities beyond the burdens they feel.

Solutions to Combat Eldest Daughter Syndrome

If you struggle with the Eldest Daughter Syndrome, here are some ways to combat and change long-standing relational patterns:

Learn and reflect more about this experience through reading and listening to podcasts about EDS. Reflect on what traits resonate with you the most and why. Bring these thoughts to your therapist or your support system
Build a support network where you don’t just take on a supportive role. Invest into friendships and relationships that honor your needs and see you as a whole person who falls short, fails, has bad days, and feels demotivated.
Support groups/group therapy can be helpful to lean on others with similar experiences who have a shared understanding of this often isolating experience. Look up local therapy practices that may advertise group offerings for eldest daughters with anxiety/burnout, etc.
Therapy can be helpful to help you recognize and change unhealthy behaviors and patterns. You can talk through boundaries you want to maintain and how you can uphold them more. Work and insight in therapy can also change present/future relationships in which you unconsciously take on the role of a caretaker.

Embrace Self-Compassion

Lastly, it’s crucial to practice self-compassion. Understand that feeling overwhelmed or guilty is a natural response to the pressures of being an eldest daughter. Allow yourself the grace to make mistakes and prioritize your own needs without guilt.

In conclusion, while eldest daughter syndrome may not be a formal diagnosis, its impact on the lives of first-born daughters is undeniable. The unique pressures and responsibilities we often shoulder can shape our self-perception and relationships throughout life. By acknowledging these challenges and seeking support, whether through therapy, supportive friendships, or community groups, eldest daughters can reclaim their narratives and prioritize their own well-being (because it will be okay if your parents and siblings have to take on the challenge of organizing the next family vacation!)

What is Eldest Daughter Syndrome and What Signs to Look For?