What Is Polyamory?
A Comprehensive Definition and Historical Overview
Written by: Emily Lamoreaux, LGPC
Welcome to our first relationship series blog post! This week we will be talking about POLY 101: What is polyamory? What can we learn from polyamory? How can we best practice it? This post aims to delve into the meaning of polyamory, its historical roots, basic principles, and the valuable lessons it can offer to all types of relationships.
Defining Polyamory
Before we define Polyamory, lets discuss Monogamy. Monogamy (as opposed to polyamory) is when 2 people within a relationship structure decide to be sexually and romantically exclusive with each other. One person. One partner. One relationship. For some, this may be a great and healthy dynamic and is not inherently toxic. However, this is the dynamic we are often socially and culturally “programmed” into practicing, or what may be considered “the norm” in many cultures, just like we are often conditioned to be straight and cisgender. This can become toxic when rigid beliefs about monogamy as a strict standard manifest as major codependency issues, distrust, and control. These unhealthy toxic monogamy standards can also create inequitable gender divides, and unhealthy expectations in relationships, and can pathologize those who may not be in hetero and/or mono-normative relationships. This type of toxicity can seep into monogamous and non-monogamous structures alike!
So, what is polyamory, then? Polyamory, derived from the Greek word "poly" (many) and the Latin "amor" (love), literally means "many loves." refers to the practice of engaging in multiple romantic relationships simultaneously, with the consent and knowledge of everyone involved. Polygamy, which is often culturally or religiously sanctioned and typically involves marriage to multiple partners, polyamory is more about maintaining multiple loving relationships, regardless of marital status or legal boundaries. In short-- polyamory refers to loving more than one person! Polyamory is also often called “Ethical, or consensual, non-monogamy” which, in other words, describes relationships in which all parties are aware of and consent to practice non-monogamy. If not all parties consent and are not aware, it is not ethical and thus, not polyamory and is, in turn, cheating.
All of us have many different kinds of relationships going on in our lives ranging from family relationships (both nuclear and extended, of origin and chosen), friendships, queerplatonic friendships, lovers, coworkers, acquaintances, classmates, teammates, your crazy in-laws, your favorite bartender at the local club, your hair stylist/barber, your romantic/sexual relationships, the exes who you still talk to, the people you dislike being around, and even the ones you don’t talk to! We all have a range in how we show up for our different relationships. We won’t be as close with our nail tech as we would our family, but she surely does listen to all my drama and life updates when I’m in her chair for my every 2-3 week fill-in commitment.
A Brief History of Polyamory
While the term "polyamory" is relatively modern, the practice of maintaining multiple romantic relationships can be traced back to various cultures throughout history. Here are some key points in the evolution of polyamory:
Ancient Cultures: Various ancient societies, such as those in Greece and Rome, practiced forms of non-monogamy. In these cultures, extramarital relationships were often accepted and sometimes encouraged, particularly for men.
Early 20th Century: The free love movement of the early 1900s in the United States and Europe challenged traditional views on monogamy and marriage. Advocates promoted sexual freedom and the idea that love should not be confined to one person.
1960s and 1970s: The sexual revolution further pushed the boundaries of traditional relationships. Communes and intentional communities experimented with open relationships and group marriages.
Modern Era: The term "polyamory" began to be used in the 1990s, gaining more prominence with the advent of the internet, which allowed like-minded individuals to connect and form communities. Today, polyamory is more visible and accepted than ever, with a growing body of literature and online resources.
At Safe Space Counseling Services, we are proud to have Emily and Aanchal on our team. Both counselors have extensive experience working with individuals in polyamorous and open relationships, providing a safe and understanding environment for clients to explore and navigate their unique relationship dynamics.